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"All of my jokes were about not being able to meet anybody. I didn't have any insight into anything - even my own insecurities."
"A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary."
"I love to read about what my love life is really like."
"I've got a good right hook."
"When I think about a character, it does start with the shoes: What kind would she wear? How would she walk in them?"
"I'm making a movie about relationships, and I'm surrounded by guys scared of talking to girls."
"Sometimes I'm so sweet even I can't stand it."
"Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be."
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that."
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."
"I don't always see my movies right away. And there are some I haven't seen at all. Sometimes that bothers the directors, so I'm obliged to see them."
"You'll hear people say now, 'Oh, I don't want to see something in 3-D. That's wrong, because what they've seen is 3-D done poorly."
"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing."
"People wonder why first-time directors can make a brilliant picture, then suck on the second one. It's because they're a little terrified the first time. So they listen to all the experts around them."
"Richard Burton rang me up once and said, Do you know you're my only leading lady I've never slept with? I said, Well, please don't tell everybody, it's the worst image."
"It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on."
"I love doing big movies. It's awesome! You have all these toys… like they always say, directors have the biggest train sets! Don't tell anyone, but I'd do this for free."
"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
"I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there."
"If you act like you know what you're going, you can do anything you want - except neurosurgery."
"The focus on my appearance has really surprised me. I've always been a size 14 to 16, I don't care about clothes, I'd rather spend my money on cigarettes and booze."
"As an artist, I want to interpret my feelings - not run across the street and ask what my mother thinks."
"They killed my character off and as God would have it, just when they told me I would never work again, I got cast in a little program called Roots, and as they would say, the rest is history."
"If anyone would have been paying serious attention to my puppet shows, I would have been sent to therapy very young."
"Don't take anything from me because I'll track it down."
"Never, never rest contented with any circle of ideas, but always be certain that a wider one is still possible."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
"I cry a lot, you know. Which is very difficult for a man to recognise, but I do. I cry in movies, you know, just watching movies."
"My most useful acting tip came from my pal John Wayne. Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much."
"It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that."
"I always figure hey, look, I'm not a rock star, I'm an actor. I'm somebody who's meant to be other people and I'm not meant to be here representing myself. I'm happier when I'm presenting myself as other characters."
"The difference between a movie star and a movie actor is this - a movie star will say, 'How can I change the script to suit me?' and a movie actor will say. 'How can I change me to suit the script?'"
"A Cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter."
"I wasn't really naked. I simply didn't have any clothes on."
"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time."
"My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel."
"I still, at hotel rooms, I do this one sort of not-so-cool thing: continually shoving my room service tray in front of someone else's door. Because I don't want the remnants. I don't want to be caught, like, being like the pig that I was at two in the morning."
"Working pretty much nonstop as an artist, the hardest thing is to know what to do with yourself when you have some time off. You struggle with yourself to take a vacation."
"I wanted to be president of the United States. I really did. The older I get, the less preposterous the idea seems."
"Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen."
"I don't think I am an actress. I think I've created a brand and a business."
"(On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car."
"What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority."
"Don't ever take a shower with a woman, because you'll probably end up proposing to her."
"If everyone really knew what a jerk I am in real life, I wouldn't be so adored in the slightest."
"I'm sticking my tongue out in scenes to try to make that work in 3D. I'm thinking I'll try to get my tongue all the way out to the second row of the audience."
"Everybody wants to do something to help, but nobody wants to be first."
"The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'"
"Screenwriting is like ironing. You move forward a little bit and go back and smooth things out."
"Anytime I make a movie, I really have absolutely no idea how it's going to go over. I've had the whole range of different kinds of reactions."
"I was very much in my room with my marionette stage, you know, creating these incredibly boring things that I felt were so fascinating, and forcing my relatives to come, and charging money for them to see my little productions."
"Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead."
"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer."
"I wouldn't want my daughters to date a guy like me. I was dangerous around women in my twenties. I'm terrified that they might end up with someone like me."
"It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy."
"When I see the first dailies on any movie, I usually feel that I had no idea how this combination of ingredients was going to mix together, what it was going to produce."
"Hollywood didn't know if I was an actor or a nut or if I was this crazy character I was playing. I had developed an image of being a little bit unusual, different and wild."
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
"James Cagney, Steve McQueen, I loved all those guys. I grew up loving the movies but had no desire to be in them."
"To this day, I've found that it doesn't matter what a guy looks like if he's really funny. His sense of humor makes him attractive. On the other hand, you don't hear men saying, 'No she's not pretty, but is she ever funny!'"
"Beautiful? It's all a question of luck. I was born with good legs. As for the rest... beautiful, no. Amusing, yes."
"Both my brothers became physicians and I, of course, wandered into a business where the undisciplined are welcome."
"There's a fine line between the Method actor and the schizophrenic."
"It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people."
"Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain't over 'til you both get your cookie."
"You find out who your real friends are when you're involved in a scandal."
"I'll find myself having dinner with people and someone will mention something and I will say I was in that situation once. Then I'll say, forget it, it was a scene I was in. That can get to be quite confusing."
"The first time I ever screamed at someone was in a scene, and I'd never screamed at someone in my life."
"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself."
"Clooney is just a pretty boy, man, and that's it, OK? I carried him on my back long enough. I'm on my own."
"The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one."
"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart."
"There are people who would rather choke than go see my movies. They write me letters all the time."
"Night time really is the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone is asleep."
"It's so much better to desire than to have."
"My family was loving... they were very supportive and very affectionate, and basically I could do what I wanted, and basically it wasn't anything dangerous, thank God."
"I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion."
"Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly."
"A junkie is someone who uses their body to tell society that something is wrong."
"Crazy is so hard to play, there's nothing you can really tell an actor."
"It gets so boring at home. After all, how many reruns of Abbott and Costello movies can a guy watch on television?"
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
"One way we can enliven the imagination is to push it toward the illogical. We're not scientists. We don't always have to make the logical, reasonable leap."
"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange."
"But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy."
"In my wildest dreams I never thought - well, I never thought I'd work."
"Any idiot can get laid when they're famous. That's easy. It's getting laid when you're not famous that takes some talent."
"I don't watch my films. I've seen 'em enough after cutting them and putting the music on. I don't ever want to see them again."
"I've never been more normal than I am now."
"If you don't have a leg to stand on, you can't put your foot down."
"I don't care what people think of me now, so why would I care when I'm dead?"
"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do."
"Talking to my wife, we stare at each other, saying, 'How is this happening? Why is this happening? Why now?' It's nothing I ever aspired to."
"When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now."
"The moment somebody says 'this is very risky' is the moment it becomes attractive to me."
"Begin challenging your assumptions. Your assumptions are the windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile or the light won't come in."
"I could have sexual chemistry with vinegar."
"My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals."
"When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half."
"I went to a shrink once, but I caught him going to a fortune-teller so I quit."
"The word theatre comes from the Greeks. It means the seeing place. It is the place people come to see the truth about life and the social situation."
"I drive with my knees. Otherwise, how can I put on my lipstick and talk on my phone?"
"The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."
"I thought it was my job to give all the boys their first kiss."
"When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."
"Listening is being able to be changed by the other person."
"I'm an angry person, angrier than most people would imagine, I get flashes of anger. What works for me is working out when it's useful to use that anger."
"Life beats down and crushes the soul and art reminds you that you have one."
"Look, people have an image of Italians. When I go somewhere in the world, I don't care where it is, when they look at me it's not about my intelligence. It's who can I beat up."
"If I ever woke up with a dead hooker in my hotel room, Matt would be the first person I'd call."